Pot Calling The Kettle
by rev lady mal
Summary: A short fic I wrote after President Obama visited Moscow last month. I found parts of his speech very funny considering where he was. Only warning is possibly Russia's alcohol consumption.


"America! _Privyet!_" Russia exclaimed, "I wondered when you would come home."

America walked into his own dark living room and stared at Russia sitting on his sofa and drinking his beer. By the pile of empties scattered across the coffee table it was obvious Russia had been waiting for some time. He turned back around and faced the blaring television, laughing hysterically at the images on the screen. America stared at the TV and realized it was taped footage of _his_ boss giving a speech in Moscow.

"What the hell are you doing in my house Russia?" America asked, deleting the 911 he had punched into his cell phone and reaching to turn on the table lamp next to the sofa. The soft light made Russia's child-like features easier for America to stomach. The light from the TV in the darkened room flickering across his face …

"Your new boss America, he's very funny. He makes good speeches; I can see why he was elected. I thought _Cheers_ was best American comedy ever but …" And Russia became lost in a fit of giggles again.

"You didn't answer my question." America replied, putting on his 'game' face for whenever he had to deal with Russia and pulling up to his fullest height - not that it would do any good, but still he did it instinctively.

Russia responded with a very loud belch.

That made America frown and he picked up the remote and switched the set off. Russia reached towards the now black screen and shouted "_Nyet_! Awwww, now we miss best part."

"I'll suffer through it somehow." America answered, tossing the remote back on the coffee table

"Don't worry, I Tivo for you." Russia smiled and stood up with a litheness that defied his size. "Do you have anything stronger to drink? This horrible beer can't make me take a piss much less drunk."

America headed for the kitchen, "You still haven't answered my question."

"You have to admit, America, your boss said very funny things today." Russia said, watching the other country walk over to the refrigerator and open the freezer door on top. His violet eyes lit up when he saw the bottle of Stoli appear in America's hand. "What was best part of speech, ah? I remember! "A great power does not show strength by dominating or demonizing other countries. The days when empires could treat sovereign states as pieces on a chessboard are over." Russia began to chuckle uncontrollably before he could finish the quote.

America pulled two small glasses out of the cupboard and poured vodka into them. He set the bottle down on the counter and offered a glass to Russia, who walked up, smiled at the other country and grabbed the bottle. He put the mouth of the bottle to his lips and took a long pull, then wiped his lips with the back of his hand. "Very smooth."

"Yes, my boss is very smooth. He puts things very succinctly I think." America said, tossing down the vodka in his glass with one gulp. "At least he hasn't accused the Prime Minister of Israel of rape yet."

"Oh! That was joke taken out of context." Russia scoffed, "Russian language is difficult for so many."

"Difficult to understand how after so many centuries you still don't use definite articles, or indefinite articles for that matter." America shrugged.

Russia took another drink from the bottle, "AH! Good one America! Bravo! I'm impressed you know grammatical terms." His expression became very sly, "Or did you overhear England say that once."

"Don't worry, if England's slinging any insults when I'm in earshot they're always directed at me." America answered, pouring the vodka from the abandoned glass on the counter into his own. He lifted it in Russia's direction and asked, "What should we drink to?"

"A toast? Lets see … mmmmmmmm … I know, to better understanding." Russia gently tapped the Stoli bottle against America's glass and took another long drink. America couldn't help but notice two thirds of the bottle was empty. He made a mental addition to his shopping list under beer and tossed back his own drink. He put the empty glass down on the counter. He opened his mouth to get his next shot in but Russia cut him off before he could utter a sound.

"But don't you see America? The comedy in your boss's speech today? Look, I used an article just now! That bit about dominating and demonizing other countries, is that really what he should be saying? Pot calling the kettle isn't it?"

"Really Russia, playing the victim? That's not like you at all. And besides, my boss wasn't just referring to you, that statement is very inclusive." It was very irritating to America at times how he had to use polysyllabic words to sound smarter and all Russia had to do was say "the".

"Da! Let me give example! Go back one two three … really, five bosses ago? The time, where does it go? Remember when he called me an 'Evil Empire'? Me! The friendliest guy I know! Made me very sad."

"No one calls you that now Russia, well almost no one I guess, there was that whole issue with Belarus telling you to go fuck yourself not too long ago."

"Hahahaha, please, that bitch is crazy."

"Really, hard to notice when you're around." If nothing put a chink in his armor, that one had to America thought, wishing he could pry his bottle of vodka out of Russia's hand and get another drink.

Russia answered by chuckling softly and taking another drink from the almost empty vodka bottle. "Your bosses change often, but what they say doesn't. Russia is bad because they invade Georgia, Russia is bad because they bully others and call it 'privileged interests.' Russia needs to change and join the rest of the world."

"But what about America, when America does the same? Violent unrest in Iran; after years of America cock knocking with them over developing nuclear program, or lets go back a bit, when Venezuela had a coup that lasted all of 48 hours. America was so quick to recognize the new government. No, America has no privileged interests with those countries."

"Now look –" America protested. Damn it but he was already getting way too far under his skin.

"_Nyet_, you look!" Russia said, moving in close enough to almost touch noses with the other country. "You look long at me, because when I look at you? I'm looking in a mirror."

And then Russia kissed America on the nose and backed away, laughing. He turned to head back into the living room but America stopped him, "You still haven't told me what you're doing here."

"Oh, that's right, sorry about that." Russia answered, reaching into his pocket. He pulled out a house key and dropped it on the kitchen table. "Lithuania forgot to give you that when he left. _Dasvidaniya_ America, I'll show myself out."

America followed Russia into the living room, and found him standing in front of the shelves where his DVD collection sat. He pulled a case out and showed it to America. "Charlie Wilson's War, may I borrow? _Spasiba!_" And walked to the door. "Let me know how that thing in Afghanistan is going for you, okay?" And he gave America a big smile as he left.

America watched Russia walk down the path to the sidewalk. He stopped, drained the last of the vodka out of the bottle and smashed it on the pavement before walking away laughing into the night.


End file.
